sometimes...

it's because i've been strong for too long...

And certain issues (like weight...looks...) trigger a wave of negative emotions...

just cuz i was too afraid to face up to them and acknowledge that I need help.

I'm not one to put myself down.

In fact, I have always been a sensible, independent and strong-willed girl...

I never want people to see me weak, because i myself don't like to see people brood over issues like weight and seek pity from others...

but i know it's tough to work on my weight when i make myself disillusioned to the fact that...

i do need help... and i want to do so healthily...

Another reason for trimming down is because i want to dance well.... i feel sluggish if there's some extra weight around.

I'm so thankful for an understanding boyfriend and someone who loves me for me, no matter how i look. I know he sincerely cares for me, and he wants me to be healthy, not so i can look good (which he reassures that i am the prettiest girl he has ever laid eyes on), but because he wants me to lead a healthy life so i can live long! =)

And thanks to Josh, I'm able to finally face up to these issues and tackle them head on. I'm not perfect, and yes it'll be a slow and painful process, but it's worth every effort to make myself fit and healthy, so i can feel good, and look good! =D

Thank you Josh, for being my pillar of support! =D I can honestly say, and declare to the world, that i love you with all my heart!! ^^

In just one week, i found out that my crush from S_U has a girlfriend when he was obviously flirting with me during the interview.... and secondly, i just failed my driving test today.

wow my.life.rocks.

like wth, strike kerbs and abrupt change lanes can get me 40 demerit points? r u sure? the tester only circled like 10 points and 4 points, which added together is 14 rite? SO WHERE DID THE OTHER 26 POINTS COME FROM!

and what seriously, u got a girlfriend and u give the impression o another girl (aka me and maybe lots more) that u are interested in them? at least next time if u wanna show that u just wanna make frenz, dont lean against the wall and smile at me!!!!! And wait a min, u got a girlfriend, why u interested in other girls!!!!

=__________=

Seriously, life is really screwing with me.

I seriously need to just calm down and hope and pray that later on, nothing worse could happen. This already is pretty bad already rite, RITE!! what could go worse!

Totally spammed comfort foods today. Ice cream, chocolate and now large cup of bubble tea.

sighh

One thing good happened though.... i'm glad i went for church dance practice. everyone was really nice about it when they heard i failed my driving. My friend even told me smth that cheered me up. haha!

SO NEXT TIME (2ND JULY) I WILL PASS MY BLOODY DRIVING TEST!

i gotta calm down

Stop putting so much pressure on myself cuz i CAN do this. I just need to trust myself more.

And seriously, stop getting so uptight during lessons too. haiz.

and about that guy.... AH FORGET IT!

EVEN IF U'RE GONNA BE IN THE SAME SCHOOL AS ME.... IMMA GONNA DEATH GLARE U, THEN SMILE AT U, AND MAKE U UBER CONFUSED!!!!! cuz u made be sad...

Can i ever find the right guy... i just suddenly feel so alone and i really wanna get over this. yes, i have awesome frenz..... but one thing i dont have, is patience..... i know, i gotta wait till i enter uni then new things would happen rite? I'll meet better guys who are more matured (i hope) and good looking and SINGLE... and a great sense of humour with a warm and accepting personality.

So yeah..... just gotta take things 1 step at a time...

Driving test this friday! super excite really!!!!! but i must really calm down and just stay focus. I WILL PASS MY DRIVING WOOHOO!!!!

ok, anw...

After driving lesson today, i went out with JX and Tim. Shopped again (sigh spending moneh is painful haha!) at forever 21 (love their clothes seriously! new stock frigging awesome! fashion getting better!) and Bershka.

We met up at vivo, then jx drove all of us to Ion.

It was so epic. Tim is a fail gps srsly! he gave wrong directions, then ask jx turn right, then b4 she wanna turn say nono, turn left! like HALLOO!! very difficult to suddenly change lane!

And we got off the cte tunnel too early! we ended up at bugis when we were supposed to exit at DHOBY to go to orchard!

HAHA so fail right? omg!!

but it was good though, spending time with my frenz! =) i love all my different group of frenz. they all have one thing in common.... they never fail to entertain me. =)

LOTS OF LOVE TONITE YO!

oh then after shopping at ion (that's when we went to bershka), Tim had to leave. JX and i went to paradise dynasty for dinner!

We each had a set of 8 xiao long bao of different flavours!!! Really, u should just try one whole set by itself and eat it at the same time, same flavour at the same time! It's pretty fun, us commenting on the different tastes and looking at our expressions at those that we can't really appreciate. Both of us agreed that the garlic xiao long bao was the best! realy very nice!!! Next time i'll definitely order just the garlic one!!!!! oh and really, 1 time trying the 8 different flavoured xiao long bao was enough! If you're curious, these were the eight flavours : garlic, ginseng, cheese, crab roe, black truffle, foi gras, sze chun, and of course, original (pork flavoured). The sze chun flavour was super uber UBER SPICYYYY and sour at e same time! jx couldnt eat it cuz she dont take spicy, so she pushed it to me... which i couldnt stomach it cuz really, 1 was enough to make me feel super hot alr and it really burns!!!! i downed 1 glass of water just after one sze chun xiao long bao ok!!

We also ate pan fried pork buns and dumplings, finishing off with this very refreshing dessert, aloe vera with red dates and some flower, in honey lemon juice. This dessert really helped cool off the heat from the spicy xiao long bao, and it made me feel less bloated! ^^ so ordering that the next time i'm going!!

Went hom after that.... on the mrt heading towards dhoby, i just had to sit at the bench where there were couples...... all on the same bench as me! i be lonelygirl92 seriously!!!!!! one bench has 7 seats, and just nice, 3 COUPLES were occupying the bench, and i was so lucky that i got to be in between all of them! omg awkward much! made me feel lonely.... i needa get a boyfriend soon srsly...... waiting for uni life to start then when the time is right and the right guy comes along, I won't be that lonely girl on the bench haha!

It felt weird..... i was in so many (ok not a lot.... i think... ) r/s b4.... and now i'm not. at first i was like, "oh ya, independence ftw! i'm gonna be a free woman!! Enjoy life to the fullest man woohoo!"

Then i saw my frenz with their partners... and other people.... and i was still like,

"it's ok! this kinda romantic stuff won't bother me at all! i've had enough, i just wanna rest, and enjoy singlehood! i don't have to be bounded, and i can just be frenz with whoever i want, and do things for my own, thinking about myself only..."

But after a while, it got lonely.... really... lonely... =(

Even so, i don't wanna get into a r/s just cuz i feel lonely now... i wanna be with someone who i really really really love and who loves me just as much. Someone i can look at and say, hey this is the guy i wanna be with all my life, and for him to say the same. One that treasures me so much, and never takes me for granted... one who can be real with me, but still sweep me off my feet at the most unexpected times... someone who'll be there for me through everything and will never abandon me.... someone who won't hurt me... and even if he did, i can forgive easily cuz i know he would do the same if i ever hurt him....

ok ya... I JUST GOTTA WAIT AND SEE! =)

Don't get me wrong, i AM happy now! i love my life, i love my family, i love my frenz! =)

One day i'll find that guy.....

Cuz i don't wanna get jailed for this by the new party of my GRC, i'm gonna be subtly obvious. So if they wanna use it against me, i'll say I'm not even explicitly mentioning them.

So everyone got heated up during the "hammers" rallies because they berate "lightning" so badly... ok ya, the big boss did say some quite (if not very) offensive and harsh words like "regret" if the voters vote for the opp... but wait a minute, hold on a second...

Dear voters, u are voting for the opp cuz of what the big boss says, and this exacerbated ur anger on the things that "Lightning" did wrongly, like high cost of living (which hello, last i checked, oil prices have been increasing LARGELY and this is an external factor, meaning the ruling govt couldnt do anything about it, and oh yeah, cuz we mostly import stuff, even FOPs to make our exports, and they are expensive too ok.), to name a few of course...

oh ya so wait, in AL, the big boss isn't part of the lightning team here right?

So what u are saying is, you voted for hammers becuz u thought lightning=big boss =govt that did a hundred and one things wrong (in your eyes, cuz u forget that they are human beings too)

And you didn't consider that the lightning team in AL were made up of totally different ppl, one of which was our dear FM (GY) who was humble and sincere enough to acknowledge the party's mistakes and want to do something better?

So just cuz u forgot that the lightning team were a different set of people and instead linked the AL team directly to the big boss and all the problems of the party, u voted for Thor (hammers... ok?)

Wow, thanks, thanks a lot... you seriously let emotions get the better of u didn't ya. Instead of thinking , "hey wait a sec, the lightning team has been serving us for 23 years and so far, no majorly big boo boo... (ok if u count the foreign workers' dorm thing, they actually found a compromise and a solution after hearing out the people's woes!)

Alright fine, let's just see if hammers are able to build (pun intended) a better GRC here, or would they produce a sloppy job and the whole building collapses anyway.

You know what, maybe this time, with Thor winning, it could be good...

cuz at least it'll show people that even their dear opp CAN MAKE MISTAKES AND MAY NOT EVEN LISTEN TO YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.

People, somestimes you forget that as humans, WE ARE NOT PERFECT AND WE MAKE MISTAKES. FORGIVE PEOPLE!

The onset of boredom corrodes sanity, and in turn leaves your mind vacant to delusions, leading gradually to brash actions and reckless thoughts...

Yeah ok, firstly, I'm just.. bored. Not that i don't have anything to do. I've yet to reject 2 uni offers (although it is really tempting to just accept all, but i can only be in 1 uni... sad... lol! nah... i'm just overly ambitious... accepting all? WTF.. i'm crazy!) I must really thank GOD that all 3 unis accepted me! i'm really so happy and SO SO GRATEFUL! Thank you Jesus!! =)

ok what was i talking about? right... that I'm so bored even though i have things to do... i just don't feel like doing it. It's like all of a sudden, i have no plan.... i'm just waiting to finish up my work (by this saturday), and although i'm thinking o writing cards to my colleagues, i seem to just be letting the boredom penetrate my mind and the only way to kind of block of the full penetration is to..

stalk.

YA! i know rite, i'm crazy! I've been trying to find a twitter/facebook page of... someone... that i met during one of my uni interviews.. (I KNOW SHAMELESS T.T) He was the admin staff there... like helping out with the undergraduate admissions... BUT he's only 2 years older.. he got offered the job after he came out of army since he'll be in the current Uni that he's working at when term starts.

It's like, i'm pretty sure, maybe about 70% sure, that he showed quite a keen interest in me that day... and i'm just.. interested... to know whether he really IS interested in me... or is it all uni guys just get excited over "Fresh meat". ah dang, if that's the case, that's just... sad. haha! even so! Why didn't he even try to find my on fb or sms me although he obviously knows my name and number?! (ok, i asked my guy frenz and they said that if he were to look at my contact details, which are supposed to be confidential, then that makes him really low) Still! It would be nice to at least feel like there's someone still attracted to me rite? i mean... I'm sorry but a little attention would be nice!!!!

So ya, since he hasnt smsed me/find me on fb or twitter (probably he too thinks it's low, i've been trying to maybe get a glimpse of him over the internet... but i only know his first name! so i have no idea how to go about identifying the correct one T.T

We kinda hit it off quite well that day when we were talking b4 my interview. He brought me to the waiting area and we started talking about totally random stuff... that's when i learnt he would be in the same academic year as me (cuz of NS) and that he was from the school of E... which is next to the school of soc (that i got accepted into!) Well, obviously on that day, i wouldn't know that i would definitely have a place in the school of soc, but ya... i thought we talked quite well. Talked for a good 15 mins or so b4 he had to check on the guy b4 me who was finishing up his interview. He kinda leaned against the wall and.. STARED AT ME... LIKE FULL ON! At that point i thought, ok... that's a little creepy... i'm wiggling my toes in my shoes and u go like "ahh, a sign of anxiety huh?" like whuuuut? lol

But i thought he was pretty cute tho. Much taller than my guy frenz (HAHA), broad, decent-looking, and i thought i felt a little bit of chemistry while we talked.... like, although it was a little wakward at first, I gradually became more comfortable with him... =)

Or maybe all SMU guys are just generally really forthcoming and are easy to talk to... i have no i-dea!! (experience from post clubbing.... my cousin's friend just started talking to me like he's known me for a long time lol!)

That's a plus.. really it is! =)

Anw, so back to the guy i was talking about. so ya, after my interview, he led me out of the hallway into the common corridor and bid me good luck! When i went out, i saw that there were a lot of people waiting outside! My question was... hey, how come he didn't ask the other people (mostly girls) to wait inside the hallway where the interview room was? In other words, why did he lead me in first and wait with me outside the interview room... but when it was my turn for my interview, he didn't call anyone else in?

WAS HE TARGETTING ME IN THE FIRST PLACE! (cuz as a matter of fact, he called my name and asked me to follow him in 0.o )

.... ok the way i put it, it sounds pretty creepy... BUT TRUST ME! he's cute! ^^ haha!

oh gosh i cant believe i'm talking about some guy who i just met like in 1 day and hasnt contacted me...

LIKE I SAID!

Can i have some drama pls... it's kinda getting boring.. and i would like a little attention from him.. hehe.. kthnxbye..

HAHAHA!

ANW! i'm going into the same U as him anw... I swear my choice of school isn't soley based on this guy i met that day ok! i am NOT SHALLOW! I've long set my eyes on this Uni cuz of the intermingling of social sciences with economics which i like! and their general education allows me to take DANCE as a module! HOW COOL IS THAT! ^^ super EXCITE! =D

so anw.... when i start my freshmen year... maybe i would see him again... or maybe someone else would show a keen interest in me... and maybe i would respond too! (or not... depending on whether i feel there's any chemistry or i just feel that the guy can only be viewed as a friend!)

Yep! pretty exciting stuff! I'm pretty excited to start Uni and see what new experiences it would give me!

As for now, i can only continue to think about "what ifs" and "maybes" because i'm really not sure myself!! it's fun to think about these things sometimes, tho it can be quite frustrating! but its cool! =) who knows, maybe drama would find me when i least expect....

and that always happens...

lol!

I'm delusional. I don't proclaim out loud to the people around me that i am still upset that i got rejected flat out by someone whom i thought i really really liked... and well, i'm still bitter about it... but right now, maybe i'm just feeling a little sense of emptiness..

I see my friends with their partner, and i see that they really love each other.... and i just think to myself... i want that. No, i won't be upset around them... in fact, i'm really happy FOR them. They're my friends, and i've formed friendships with their partners as well. I'm totally open to them, and often enough, i go out with them.... well, quite a lot actually. Always the 3rd person... but it didnt rally bother me... cuz i'm friends with both parties.

But sometimes, i do feel lonely, i do feel like i want to be needed, want someone to be interested in me. Today, I was just having a chat with someone... and there goes my imagination, thinking that he might have a hint of interest in me... like whuuuut?? ok he keeps observing me, but maybe he just observes everyone! Right? Argh Whatever...

Ya, sue me. I like attention. I think those are my cheap thrills, knowing that someone is mildly interested in me... Ya, shoot me, i like to receive those kind of attention from guys ok...

I'm just searching, I want to feel empowered, like i have the ability to make guys turn their heads and look at me, even for a while... of course, it would be preferred if the guy is decent-looking... anything less, and they're just creeps.

Well, as far as i know, not a lot of people read my blog... and blogs aren't read as feverently as before... that's why i'm saying all these things... I don't care anymore... i may look desperate.... i'm not ok... i'm just... i just need someone to fill up this empty void. This void, which was created by false love, betrayal, regret, disrespect, and fickled-mindedness.

Hey, don't judge desperate people... now that i think about it, i kinda understand how they feel. of course, there are those who are truly sluts and just crave guys attention or go boy crazy, and there are those who have been hurt multiple times, and all they are craving for is just someone to prove how special they are...

I'm pretty independent, and i'm pretty confident in myself... i guess lately, i just need some reassurance. I want to experience chemistry with someone.