Sunday, January 29, 2012 @9:13 PM
Why do people blog?
Many have the conception that people blog because of self expression.... while many of us started our blogs having that mindset, I seem to deviate from this. I blog because it's a process of self reflection, and a self-realization of the things happening to me now. I don't blog often cuz i don't see the need to tell of my daily activities, because they aren't always exciting anyway...
What i blog about is really a self reflection of the impactful things that happen in my life, things that mean a lot to me. My hope is that by typing it out, I can realise some things along the way, and people in similar positions as me, would find they can associate themselves with me as i find epiphany...
So here's what's been for my mind for a long time, and have recently sorted out.
Fear is a dangerous thing. I feared that i would lose my boyfriend to someone else because i felt i wasn't as perfect as he says i am. I was fearful because he has shared with me how he has been close to other girls before, and i want him to only share these intimate moments with me, even though these girls are already in the past. He's a sociable and friendly guy, and has some close female friends... i fear that these female friends will take him away. Basically, i was an insecure wreck...
Until he made me realise that i have nothing to fear but the fear itself. Did he ever get close to any girl besides me when he was together with me already? No. Did he find his close female friends just for the heck of it? No. Did he ever do anything to betray my trust? No.
But i behave like i don't trust him, when time and time again, i said i did. I justified by saying i don't trust other girls... but why should i care about what the other girls are doing if i know my man is faithful and loyal to me, and he knows what to do in order to avoid hurting me...?
I was so foolishly insecure over nothing that I have been blowing things out of proportion and crying, losing my temper, breaking down... why?
Granted, i had past experiences of guys leaving me and breaking my heart... but they were gone now. I have a perfect boyfriend. He loves me. We are so connected, so similar, and our differences compliment each other. However now, i'm just acting like he's gonna leave me anytime.... when the truth is, he's here to stay... forever.
Then he told me why he fell in love with me in the first place..... cuz i had hope. I was hopeful for true love, and i believed that love still exist... despite all the hurt i've been true. He was scared too cuz he has been through a lot, but seeing my hope, and leap of faith, I made him believe in love again...
So where did that beautiful girl go to?
She's still right here, typing away furiously on the keyboard because she knows she made a mistake, and wants to go back to how she was.
I am always hopeful... but through pointless fear and insecurities, it engulfed that hopeful little girl and encouraged monsters to grow... to the point that my boyfriend was so afraid of me...
but no more... no more would i live in fear, no more would my boyfriend be taken aback or scared of my reckless actions....
No girl or guy will interfere in our relationship as long as we remain faithful to each other and together, hope for a future to spend together. Love is based on hope. I can't know what the future has for me... i dunno what tomorrow will bring... but hope makes it a little bit possible to move one step and continue to live on with my life.
Monday, January 16, 2012 @8:38 AM
I cry not because i'm weak...
sometimes...
it's because i've been strong for too long...
And certain issues (like weight...looks...) trigger a wave of negative emotions...
just cuz i was too afraid to face up to them and acknowledge that I need help.
I'm not one to put myself down.
In fact, I have always been a sensible, independent and strong-willed girl...
I never want people to see me weak, because i myself don't like to see people brood over issues like weight and seek pity from others...
but i know it's tough to work on my weight when i make myself disillusioned to the fact that...
i do need help... and i want to do so healthily...
Another reason for trimming down is because i want to dance well.... i feel sluggish if there's some extra weight around.
I'm so thankful for an understanding boyfriend and someone who loves me for me, no matter how i look. I know he sincerely cares for me, and he wants me to be healthy, not so i can look good (which he reassures that i am the prettiest girl he has ever laid eyes on), but because he wants me to lead a healthy life so i can live long! =)
And thanks to Josh, I'm able to finally face up to these issues and tackle them head on. I'm not perfect, and yes it'll be a slow and painful process, but it's worth every effort to make myself fit and healthy, so i can feel good, and look good! =D
Thank you Josh, for being my pillar of support! =D I can honestly say, and declare to the world, that i love you with all my heart!! ^^
