I was thinking about how i've been through a lot over the years. Of heart breaks, of missed opportunities, of regrets, of insecurities, not just in relationships but with friendships, of jealousy, of happy times i wished didn't go away. When i think about it, i realised with each experience, i became stronger, more strong-willed, and more independent. But when i recall some of the bittersweet memories of the past, it makes me... even more vulnerable and melancholy than i ever expected. So interlinked, experiences and memories, yet so different emotions put to it, so many different consequences.

I was on the bus back home from work today, and i was just thinking back to my past, to someone i tried to forget about but simply can't. Then i suddenly thought about cs... and i realised, i certainly, if not completely, forgot all the things i did with him. It was a complete blur. Seriously. i was just thinking, who was he? I didn't feel we had a relationship, or even a friendship to begin with. Harsh, i know. He's a nice guy, granted. But somehow, i just forgot about him. I even found it impossible that I even had a relationship with him, it was all a blur.

Instead, m heart ached when i thought about A. I got the answers to the questions that has been lingering since 2 years ago, and i really, honestly tried to move on, knowing that he doesn't want a relationship at all. Sometimes i'm all just "Yeah, you're right, i don't want this either. I don't want to be in a f***ed up relationship again". The more i try to get over him, the more impactful the memories become. Why? I wish i wouldn't be so vulnerable when memories of him and i hit me. It sucks to be bonded, to be tied down by this hopelessness. But i know, still, and as much as i hate it because i hate being controlled, a part of me, like an itch i cannot get rid of, still wants him to accept me back once again, and both of us start something new, having forgiven. Silly i know. i hate to feel so burdened about this. I try to hate him even... but i can't. It's more painful to hate someone i care about so much, than to love someone who isn't ready for all this crap with relationships.

Believe me, right now, all i wanna do is to have fun. Meet new people, flirt a little, being chased a little, being empowered...but that vulnerability of still having him at the back of my mind, closes me off from the world, and it's as if this is trying to shelter me away from it all, when all i want is to break free and experience new things, be happy in different ways, get hurt in different ways, whatever...

It ain't gonna happen, isn't it? As long as i still hold on to that small hope of receiving his love once again, i'm never gonna let go, and i'll never be able to leave my past totally behind and head straight for my future.

I really hate this. I want to break free of these chains and just live life to the extreme...

but at the same time, i don't wanna forget about him.

Damn...

There's a quote i stumbled across on twitter...

"It's easy to pretend that you love someone when you don't, but it's not easy to pretend that you don't love someone when you do."

Love is a tricky thing huh? That warm feeling you get when you're close to someone you think is the world to you, but any minute, any opportunity, it'll tear you apart.

My friend, Ryan, made a point.

Love always hurts. Not being a pessimist, but really, think about it. When you're so in love with someone and you're not with that person at that time, even if you're in the most stable relationship, you'll miss the other. Missing someone so dear to u, hurts like hell. And of course, who can forget disappointments when one's partner doesn't meet one's expectations, or when you've got too much of the other that you're so sick of it, and the eventual break up.

Truth is, we'll never know what love is. Stop trying to put a definition to it. Take it as your own, take it as it is... even though it is still so imperfect. That's love, accepting that it's not gonna be perfect, but delighting in it anyway. Maybe with this mindset, we won't feel so disappointed when love doesn't present itself as a fairytale, but a reality that we can accept.

Here's another thing. If you can't accept an aspect of your partner, no matter how much he claims to love you and shower you with all the love he thinks he has, that's not real love. You don't love your partner if you can't even accept his flaws, even that one flaw. So be a brave girl/guy, and get the hell out of that relationship. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to your partner.

That's what happened to my failed relationships. I couldn't live with their imperfections... so i left. One day, when i find someone whom i can totally and wholeheartedly accept, no matter what imperfections that guy has, it'll be the day that i say i found my true love.

Oh and one more thing.

I hate self-pitying bastards.

Grow some balls man, seriously. Have some backbone and have an inner strength that shines out that says "hey, i know i have a difficult situation at hand, but i'm not gonna wallop in self pity and expect you to take pity on me. I'm gonna handle it, not complain about it, solve the problem, and come out a stronger person."

Yeah, here's a hint, this guy i was with quite recently didn't grow enough balls. Too bad. Not my loss.

This is like my most controversial post, and i'm damn open here... mostly because i can't keep it in anymore, and a part of me hopes that if any of the people who i didn't explicitly mention stumbled upon it, they'll get a f**king idea of what i think. And mostly because i'm damn tired from work.

I'm stronger than some guys i previously knew, seriously... so grow some balls.